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Friday Afternoon Confessional: Petty Theft

In the spirit of making the Confessional more sin-oriented: I confess that I stole coffee filters from the kitchen in my office building. I confess that I did so in large part to have an identifiable sin to confess.

I confess that I am increasingly unable to watch movies without The Girlfriend. During the week, two hours just seems too long to sit and watch something — although I’m more than willing to watch the same amount of visual material, provided it’s cut up into hour or half-hour segments.

This week The Girlfriend’s power was cut off for a couple days (not her heat, though, so it wasn’t life-threatening) due to a misunderstanding — the rental agency had told her that the electric was included in the rent, but apparently it wasn’t, meaning that she was a year and a half behind. It seems to me that the power company should’ve done something about this situation that was (a) sooner and (b) less radical than cutting off the power. I confess that I was upset that I wasn’t able to do anything to help her, but I also confess that had I been there, the odds are pretty much 50/50 — either I would’ve become a model of effectiveness or else I would’ve collapsed into debilitating anger.

Along the lines of that last confession, I confess that I get way too angry when the computer malfunctions.

I confess that I am overly fixated on my win/loss record on the online chess site that Richard and I use, to the point of laying out monthly goals to bring the two into parity. I confess that I have consistently failed to meet said goals.

I confess that I’m very glad that next week is the last week of the quarter and that I get a couple weeks off to stay in Chicago, greatly reducing my odds of facing catastrophic seven-hour delays on Amtrak, like I faced last weekend.


March 5, 2010 - Posted by | Friday Afternoon Confessional


  1. I confess that I chose not to purchase the twix bar in my pocket after the pharmacy was rude about a prescription. I confess that I couldn’t figure out a way to work a pharmaceutical pun into this confession.

    Comment by micah | March 5, 2010

  2. I confess that on reading this ‘This week The Girlfriend’s power was cut off for a couple days (not her heat, though’ I had another continuation in mind than the one above.

    I confess I feel a bit like a party-pooper. I confess that in confessing this I fear I come over as hysterical.

    Comment by JoB | March 5, 2010

  3. On computer malfunction, allow me to quote myself from yesterday:

    I just about put a fist through the screen of my computer, it’s so goddamn slow. That would have been stupid, because you could cut yourself that way, and what you really should do is just throw a coffee cup through the screen. And anyway, the real villain is somewhere in the box, and you’d want to go after that with a maul or something.

    I’ve also proposed that computer malfunctions should be called “gateses” (pl.), and that they are caused by myriads of infinitesimal “bills” carrying little sabotage toolkits streaming through the cable into your house and computer without your permission or knowledge.

    I doubt the concept of unreasonable anger, also.

    Comment by John Emerson | March 5, 2010

  4. I confess to going a little over the top with road rage last week, to the point where after I was done frothing I thought to myself, “That may have been a little much.”

    A woman came onto the freeway and while drinking her coffee, nonchalantly came into my lane despite the fact that I was occupying the space she wanted to enter and was going probably ten miles per hour faster than she was.

    I honked and when she glanced over, apparently oblivious to what she had just done I yelled some things that wouldn’t make it past the FCC if my life were a sitcom. It seemed a little ridiculous once I was finished and my self penance was to ban any road rage beyond honking.

    Comment by Matt in Toledo | March 5, 2010

  5. i misread “increasingly unable to watch movies without The Girlfriend” as “with TGF” and was to agree that it’s kinda troublesome to be tied to someone else’s schedule, but it was not that
    i confess i failed to perform a petty theft, a vendor sent me an antibody twice mistakenly and i notified them of their mistake, though didn’t get any reply from them yet
    i would have appropriated it without remorse, but am afraid that they’ll of course find out their mistake and send us an invoice not matching PO, then i’ll get procurement violation
    i resent this b/c it’s annoying to subject people to such moral dilemmas in normal everyday life as if testing them for honesty, this making an effort to stay that is resentful maybe, though it’s resentful to think that if there was no any threat of punishment i wouldn’t feel myself bad causing someone else to lose money even though it’s their mistake
    lose-lose anyhow

    Comment by read | March 5, 2010

  6. I confess to being the beneficiary of poor cashiersmanship, as the fellow at Target failed to scan my case of water, though I explicitly said “I have a case of water, do you need me to bring it up to you?”, and he replied “Just pull the cart around and I’ll scan it over here,” which I did, and he did not.

    Upon realizing what had happened after having left the store, I considered going back to attempt to pay for the water, but realized that I’d probably just end up getting the poor kid in trouble, and his employment means (marginally) more to me than my peace of mind about receiving goods for free.

    Comment by Ryan | March 5, 2010

  7. I confess to shoplifting sunglasses from Target on average of twice a year for the passed three years. The first time it was an accident. The second time I was infuriated that piece of shit plastic glasses that were undoubtedly manufactured for about six cents were marked up to $19.99. After that I began to fetishise it– like a petty, pathetic teenager.

    I confess I am embarrassed but feel no guilt and will continue to steal this one thing from this one company indefinitely.

    Comment by ebolden | March 5, 2010

  8. I confess that The Girlfriend’s power is back on.

    Comment by Adam Kotsko | March 5, 2010

  9. 7, now that’s a confession!

    I confess to being in the middle of writing a blog post that bores me. It started out as a top ten albums of the decade but as I’m trying to figure out what to say about the difference between listening to those albums and my overall experience of listening to music, I’m really boring myself.

    Comment by K-sky | March 5, 2010

  10. I confess to having published the post in its boring condition, preferring to bore a hypothetical audience rather than continuing to bore myself.

    Comment by K-sky | March 5, 2010

  11. @8- and hopefully her heat not off ;-)

    Comment by JoB | March 6, 2010

  12. I hate it when web pages convert a string of characters to a drawing of a smiley.

    Comment by JoB | March 6, 2010

  13. I confess that, after having to listen to all this bullshit about “le port du voile intégrale” lately, I’m looking forward to leaving Quebec. I probably have more fingers than there are women wearing a niqab in this province. I pray there is a special place in hell for earnest white people.

    More like a hatred, that.

    I confess unemployment. How Protestant! How American! “Sinnerman, where will you run to?”

    Comment by Matthew | March 6, 2010

  14. I confess to stealing an unknown number of office supplies and beverages from various workplaces over the last several years. I also confess that I inevitably attempted to justify these thefts to myself with rationalizations such as “that’s what they get for not giving me a lunch break” and “that’s what they get for leaving their german shepherd out where it can bite me on the arm while I’m trying to photoshop dildos.”

    Comment by stras | March 7, 2010

  15. I confess that I read Matthew’s last line as “Superman, where will you run to?”, to which I mentally replied, “anywhere he wants, because he can beat everyone up, and can burn people with his laser eyes.”

    Comment by stras | March 7, 2010

  16. I confess I read stras’ last line as “and can bum people..” and was expecting some reference to the invisible man joke.

    Comment by rjlo | March 7, 2010

  17. I confess that I read each line correctly the first time.

    Comment by ben | March 8, 2010

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