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Tuesday Hatred: Theusz Hamtaahk

As the proverb goes, fuck Arizona forever.

I hate drivers in San Francisco. I really think that no one here has the slightest notion how the activity is properly carried out. The other day I saw someone driving alongside an ambulance with its horn blaring. In my youth I was instructed, and I still believe, that one is supposed to pull over and let such vehicles pass. (I know it wasn’t related to the ambulance because it went straight at an intersection at which the ambulance went right.) It is not only courteous to the person or persons on whose behalf the ambulance (/fire truck/fascist pig) has been dispatched, it’s also—or such is my belief—the law! Drivers here also seem to be ignorant of the canon of proper vehicular practice that one should not enter an intersection if one is not sure that one will not still be stuck in the intersection (because of traffic) when the light changes. Obedience to this canon not only has to recommend it courtesy to one’s roadgoing fellows and avoidance of the feeling of flushed foolishness that accompanies knowing that one is blocking traffic like an idiot, it is also unambiguously demanded by the California DMV’s Driver Handbook, which instructs readers “do not enter the intersection if you can not [sic] get completely across before the light turns red.” And yet one regularly observes trespasses. These things (which are pretty minor, all things considered) really, really bother me. I get upset that I can’t cause the inconsiderate asswipes who perpetrate them immediately to regret their actions. I wish the SFPD would dispatch officers to intersections where this frequently happens and have them just give out ticket after ticket. ALLES MUSS IN ORDNUNG SEIN!

I hate subpar strawberries, and I have very high standards when it comes to strawberries, let me tell you.

I hate that my translation of Ferdydurke uses “cannon” instead of “canon”. And it won a prize for literary translation! Does charity demand that we interpret this as the translator’s deliberate preservation of an analogous error in the original? Or even as something deliberate in Gombrowicz’s Polish? No! Charity, to be charity, demands and can demand nothing. It can only approach, hat in hand, and lamely request. And I s p u r n it!

I hate the difficulty inherent in typing with a band-aid on the tip of my left forefinger. I hate cutting off parts of my left forefingernail. I hate the fact that my phone seems to be turning off randomly—does this relate to my recent dropping (then kicking!) of it? Is it caused by my powerful thighs’ straining against their artificial enclosures, my pants, which causes the power button to be depressed? Beats me! Sure is annoying, though.

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April 27, 2010 - Posted by | Tuesday Hatred

14 Comments

  1. I, too, hate the misadventures my cell phone enjoys while nestled in my hip pocket. I solved them (for the most part) by changing the unlock from a one key function to a two key function.

    That is, instead of just hitting the “OK” button to unlock the phone and allow for pocket dialing or shutting the phone off, I now have to hit the “OK” button and then the “Clear” button in succession.

    Comment by Matt in Toledo | April 27, 2010

  2. That’s how it is by default on my phone. So really it’s quite mysterious.

    Comment by ben | April 27, 2010

  3. There is only one country with decent strawberries & it is the same country that is the only country with decent beer & it is a country with child-abusing bishops & governments that are often no longer. I am proud of that country.

    Comment by JoB | April 27, 2010

  4. “child-abusing bishops” doesn’t narrow it down very much, I’m afraid. Is it England or France that’s the only country with decent beer, then?

    Comment by ben | April 27, 2010

  5. The profanity of it! (walks away disgustedly)

    Comment by Agnes Ostic | April 27, 2010

  6. Ugh, you people with your civilized, well-articulated, I daresay dainty hates. Hatred of strawberries, and imperfect translations of foreign literatures! Do you people really even know hate? True hate, hate which cannot be properly voiced, hate which reduces the hater to a hideous gibbering creature sputtering venom, rage and grief? On this day I feel such hate and have become such a monster. O horrible world! I can’t even talk about it. I hate it, the hateful thing or circumstance, or group of things or circumstances, too much.

    In addition, I hate plastic clamshell packaging.

    Comment by jms | April 28, 2010

  7. Well jesus jms, obviously the only hates I can voice are the hates that I can voice. I swarm with unvoicable hatreds.

    Comment by ben | April 28, 2010

  8. Oh well, that makes me feel better. Thanks ben, and sorry. It’s been a crappy day!

    Comment by jms | April 28, 2010

  9. I hate the following sequence of events:
    1. I click on the “instant search” thing on Firefox.
    2. I type the first letter of my query.
    3. Firefox decides — for reasons that remain unclear to me — to select the text in the search bar (i.e., the letter I just typed).
    4. I continue typing, erasing the first letter of my desired query.

    Why is this happening?! It’s been going on for years.

    Comment by Adam Kotsko | April 29, 2010

  10. Adam: use ‘CTRL k’ to get in the search box, then the cursor won’t be over the box.

    Comment by Gabe | April 30, 2010

  11. Thanks! I love keyboard shortcuts.

    Comment by Adam Kotsko | April 30, 2010

  12. I hate them.

    Comment by JoB | April 30, 2010

  13. NICHT ALLES MUSS IN ORDNUNG SEIN!!!

    Comment by The UNORDNUNG Itself | May 1, 2010

  14. Could it be that ‘The UNORDNUNG Itself’ is not a German?

    Comment by Earnest O'Nest | May 2, 2010


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