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Spoiler Alert Thursday

It seems we are watching half of the series on CW. First of all, what is with those really, really dumb “CW actors/writers/producers talk about how they used Bing to learn how to act/write/produce”? R-Bils: “The hardest part about this show is learning all the medical stuff. With Bing I can look up the medical stuff and understand what I am talking about.” R-Bils, did you see the “medical” scenes in your show? I did and they make “General Hospital” look like “ER” in comparison. Or Sera Gamble: “It’s a rule that every episode has to deal with a real monster [except when they don’t, of course] so we use Bing to find monsters from all over the world.” I tried Bing-ing the words they put in and I didn’t come up with the same results. I guess the ads “worked” because I “used” Bing for the first–and last–time. Here’s a motto way better than “Bing and Go” or “Bing and Decide” or whatever they have: “Bing: the preferred search engine of 32 year olds who watch teen supernatural romance shows on CW.” Or, “Bing: The Pabst Blue Ribbon of Search Engines.” Or, “Bing: Sort of Like an Ironic Moustache.” Or, “Bing: Remember that fifteen minute long commercial with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld?” Or, “Bing: For People Who Can’t Spell ‘Google.'”

“Supernatural” I’m glad they managed to deal with the “Castiel is the new god” thing and set up the new “bad guy” for the season in a single episode. The scene with Castiel and Crowley was enjoyable: Crowley holed up in a shitty trailer in an even shittier trailer park watching Castiel’s exploits on the news. The jokes were a bit more heavy-handed than usual, such as when Castiel appeared in a church during a sermon claiming that God hates homosexuals: “I am indifferent on sexual orientation.” And then he smites the pastor. The smiting of the “Michelle Bachmann” campaign office was also a bit much.

“Hart of Dixie” CW has produced a couple of duds this year. “Hart of Dixie” is one of them; “Ringer” is the other. Anyone else wish that when R-Bils found that alligator on the dirt road in the middle of the night that it was going to be the climatic end of the series where she was eaten? Unfortunately it wasn’t. I was confused when she requested that her assistant go get her a “venti soy latte” and the woman replied that it was “11 miles away.” (“Okay, thanks,” said Rachel.) When the assistant returned, that was clearly not a Starbucks cup. But I digress. A few scenes later, R-Bils and her mother are walking around the “hart” of whatever the fuck the town is called and they both have “venti soy lattes.” So, let me get this straight: they walked 11 miles to get the coffee; walked 11 miles back to the “hart” of the town; and then started to drink the lattes? Oh, and the cups were definitely not “venti” sized. Now, if it seems like I am harping on superficial details, extend this carelessness to the “medical” aspect of the show: if they can’t get a coffee-cup right–or distances for that matter–how well do you think the medical procedures are going to go? I liked you in “The OC” and all, but sometimes you have to retire with grace and accept the fact that you are a one-character, one-role actress.

“The Secret Circle” Contrary to the person calling themselves “The Secret Circle” last week, the episode was not nearly as good as the “Supernatural” episode. The magic crystals are easily the lamest thing I’ve ever seen in a TV show and that’s what makes this fantastic.

“Ringer” Like R-Bils, Buffy really should have retired once she shared the power of the Slayer with all the girls of the world. There’s nothing else on that night, so we’ll keep watching, but fuck does it ever suck.

That brings us to the end of the CW shows.

“Unforgettable” It wasn’t just last week that was “Unwatchable,” it was this week too. Poppy Montgomery: refer to my comments about R-Bils and Buffy above. When “Without a Trace” ended, you should have taken the title of your show as advice. Unsurprisingly, the show is getting high ratings.

“Fringe” I really didn’t like that guy. Lincoln, or whatever he is called. But I liked post-Peter Walter.

“NCIS” Likely the stupidest episode of the series ever. I didn’t really understand the crime or the motive, but they arrested some guy for burning some girl with a taco spatula and that seemed to tie up the loose ends.

“Criminal Minds” More like “Criminal Neverminds.” Quite possibly the stupidest show that is presently on TV and definitely in contention for the stupidest show that has ever been on TV.

“CSI” We watched the first five minutes or so last night. Here’s what I think happened. They hired Ted Danson to replace Morpheus. What they did is tell Ted Danson that his character from “Bored to Death” has begun a new career as a “CSI” in Las Vegas. Ted Danson was happy to comply.

“The Office” We weren’t sure if we were going to watch largely because the show has become un-funny and decadent, but we also like James Spader. Turns out that James Spader was funny; Andy, the new manager, was not. And Pam’s pregnant again? Really? I really dislike pregnant woman–and pregnant men, like Jim.

“Law & Order: SVU” If not for Ice T, I wouldn’t even pretend to watch this show. Remember when Eggs was killed in “True Blood”? If only this episode ended the same way.

“Suburgatory” Jeremy Sisto: c.f., Poppy Montgomery, Buffy, and R-Bils. This is rare for me to say, but I liked Alan Tudyk. Blythe has a new concept for the show: Jeremy Sisto retires from the NYPD/”Law & Order” and moves to the suburbs of New Jersey with his pit bull instead of his daughter (that looks older than my mom–I looked on Wikipedia: she has no age listed; clearly that means she’s easily over 61). His partner–more well known as the guy who wants to “burn this motherfucker down” in “Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle”–stops by occasionally for jokes based upon (1) his weight and/or (2) his skin-color. It is, after all, the suburbs.

I think that’s everything.

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September 29, 2011 - Posted by | Spoiler Alert Thursdays

6 Comments

  1. i watched on sunday _Archer_, very funny grieving and a bit racist, tried to watch and could not _New girl_ and_ Louie_
    the cute actress in _New girl_ is pretty and gets prettier in her different poses and making faces, couldn’t get past the first few minutes and her cuteness, too boring, how people can bear to watch that for hrs i can’t get
    the second one was titled adventures in afghanistan, but the first minutes was a stand up comedy routine, and the g words automatically being funny, can’t get that humor too, seems like too primitive, g is of course g/nitalia
    i should refuse subscribing to On demand wasting 30 something dollars for nothing every month not watching all those free movies and TV series available anytime, i tried to call comcast but they make it so difficult to change the service packs and they seem to charge like twice if to change or add something, confusing

    Comment by read | September 29, 2011

  2. Perhaps I imagined this, but I think there was a time when Rachel Bilson (that’s R-Bils, right?) did a movie with Zach Braff and people said she was good in this movie. This caused people to talk about her being an “up and coming” young actor. I could also be mistaken about this next part, too, but it seems she capitalized on that career equity by doing absolutely nothing. Now she’s doing an obviously doomed series on CW. Apparently, the people who comment on the up and coming stardom of actors are about as accurate as TV baseball analysts talking about up and coming stardom of players.

    My wife and I have started DVRing shows again (NCIS, NCIS:LA, Archer, IASIP), but didn’t watch any this week. I did complete the first season of Louie, though. I’m not sure that anybody here cares, but I would be remiss to not point out that I did watch the greatest day in the history of regular season baseball (not hyperbole) unfold Wednesday. Remiss because MLB as constituted (approximately) has been around since 1901 and just played its 200,000th game last week, so “greatest day ever” seems worthy of comment even if it’s not really a baseball crowd.

    Comment by Matt in Toledo | September 30, 2011

  3. Always Sunny and Archer have been great in my view, and Breaking Bad has been on an amazing tear. I still think Craig would like Breaking Bad.

    I also watched the season premier of Boardwalk Empire, which thankfully didn’t start as brutally slowly as the first season did. I’m realizing now that one of my big triggers for watching a show is morbid fascination — when Breaking Bad first started, I watched it because I couldn’t imagine Bryan Cranston (whom I only knew from Malcolm in the Middle) in a dramatic role, and Steve Buscemi as a mob leader was equally improbable.

    Comment by Adam Kotsko | September 30, 2011

  4. I confess we’ll likely watch “Breaking Bad” one day and I confess that we’ll likely never watch “Boardwalk Empire.” Omar can’t get me to watch “Boardwalk Empire” or “Community.”

    Comment by Craig McFarlane | September 30, 2011

  5. Yeah, I don’t think Boardwalk Empire should necessarily be a high priority for anyone. It’s good, but not “essential” by any means.

    Comment by Adam Kotsko | September 30, 2011

  6. Agreed on Boardwalk Empire. Enjoying Up All Night. Terra Nova was awful. I can imagine a society that, having destroyed itself, sent people back in time to have another go whereupon they immediately instituted the same kind of unsustainable material practices and systems of domination that fucked everything up the first time; but I have no interest in watching a show where they do that and don’t question it for a beat because they want to do a cop show with dinosaurs.

    Comment by Josh K-sky | September 30, 2011


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