Friday Afternoon Confessional: sick of being ill
I confess that against my (and the doctor’s) better judgment, I went out for work yesterday. The result was that I achieved nothing significant and extended my illness over the week-end. So now I am alone and, for the first time in many months, writing to the few who happen to wander into this page.
Hello! You’re not the only ones to feel fucked over by the present life!
I confess making that remark mainly to get your attention. Not that I particularly want it, but it seems to be the honest thing to do. I at least have to try to get your attention. I’m not in fact fucked over. Far from it. It often feels that way just because I’m unable to cope with the absence of real bad luck in my life.
Let’s just all confess to it: we try too much. The drive for success is like a butt plug making us feel uneasy all of the time. Not that I know how a butt plug feels like; as I told you, I’m not in fact fucked over. Still, there’s an anal metaphor here. Society drills us to want to pick up the soap and the only break-through that is ever achieved that way … I’ll definitely say more.
I’ll stop generalizing to first person plural and start confessing in first person singular again. Sorry!
I confess, to my shame, and discomfort, being altogether sick of it, and thus myself, that I blame society for my evils and claim every inch of success for myself. There you have it. I have it backwards. Not that society is blameless. Hell no. It is society who created me to have it backwards. If I could I’d give this whole society a good caning for that. Or whipping. Or stoning. Just like society seems to like to give it to others (not me, I am rich, no, no, no whipping the rich in this society!). An eye for an eye. Well, an eye for the mere insolence of people trying to belong in our society. Damn, what next? Civil rights?
I digress. Still the truth is that what “parler vrai”-politicians hold against refugees (to name just one of the really fucked over categories of people nowadays) is basically that they missed the opportunity to slay each other in combat. Some want to have their conscience and not use it too. Misery is all right as long as it does not come close enough to smell it. No, society is not blameless.
Anyway, back to me. I really need to shake this desire for achievement, accomplishment, acknowledgement and stop living like a 16-year old girl trying to live down to the standards of Vogue cover girls. Quit all this American nightmare stuff that is the origin of all evil. Let it go. Let them have it. I’m not strong enough for it and should be far stronger than all that. Success should be spelled with a k. Just like sacrifice. It’s simply not worth it. Whatever they say. It’s not even that odds are stacked against some because the deck of cards was rigged by the players. It’s just that their success is simply not worth the effort.
Emancipation from the current definition of merit is what I need. And needed all along. I need to emigrate from this territory of constant strife and struggle. Let them behave like civilized beasts. It’s their thing and their thing is completely alien to me. I’m weak. I have no staying power whatsoever. I like my kids, my wife. They like me. I tend to like people. I guess I’m likable too. That should suffice. I’ve never put anything over anybody. I don’t even really know people who put anything over anybody. I do know they exist. The news is full of ’em. I don’t even hate them. They’re as much caught up in this spider’s web as I am.
But who is the damned spider? Can we squash it? Eradicate it? Remove injustice once for all?
No we can’t. There is no spider. Any reports of spiders are greatly exaggerated. As are reports that we could fly if we weren’t caught up in this web. We can’t fly. We really can’t. We can dream of flying and that’s really enough of a good thing. Let’s be happy we can dream. I need to be happy I can dream. Stop chasing it at the same time. The value of the dream is in dreaming it. Talking about it maybe (talking’s good). Maybe nibble a little at aspects of it. Paying more taxes, unrigging the deck, evening the odds. Allowing more dreaming in this world is the best we can achieve. The rest’ll follow. I’m confident about that.
I just have to believe myself.
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